Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I finally got the chance to see Indy 4 on Saturday. And as I sit here to write this review, I find myself struck by an interesting question; is it more accurate to say that sucked, or that it blew?

But I'll leave philosophical matters to people smarter than I. At the end of the day, at the very least we can say that it sucked so hard it should've been sponsored by Hoover.

First, the movie's name was entirely wrong. It wasn't Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It was Henry Jones, Jr. and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Indiana Jones, the swashbuckling, clever, funny, womanizing action hero is clearly dead; he's been replaced by some old, unfunny guy who enjoys giving archaeology lectures - at any place, at any time, for any reason, at any excuse.

Second, it was boring. Indiana Jones isn't supposed to be boring! But there I was, half an hour into the film, wondering when something was going to happen.

In fairness, it starts off pretty good, with Indy being kidnapped by a gaggle of Russians intent on stealing something from (sigh) Area 51. The Object In Question turns out to be a super-magnetic coffin, which mysteriously only attracts metal when it's necessary for the story. In an effort to build suspense, the Russians open the coffin at one point, but we only get to see a shriveled hand. Of course, I'm sure nobody could hazard a guess at what sort of corpse they'd be keeping at Area frakking 51.

Jones, true to form, seizes a chance to escape, and there's a pretty cool action scene that follows which culminates, believe it or not, in Indy's survival of a nuclear blast by hiding in a refrigerator. Really. (Though in all fairness, I can't really say that's any more unrealistic than anything from the other three movies.)

The movie pretty much goes downhill from there.

Jones' involvement in the incident leads the FBI to suspect him of working for the Soviets (of course), so he loses his job and starts looking for answers about this mystery coffin. While looking for his old friend Oxley (played by John Hurt, who's apparently taken to "slumming"), Jones meets Mutt Williams, played by Shia LaBeouf, who overacted so horribly that I haven't decided whether to nickname him "Hammy" or "Shatner."

And nothing happens. Then, after a while, nothing continues to happen. Jones and Mutt, the Dynamic Duo of Dull, go down to South America to hunt after some lost conquistador and this poor Oxley fellow, who we eventually find out is bat-crap crazy. (Which might explain John Hurt's desire to be in this wretched waste of celluloid.)

Finally we get to some decent action scenes in the jungle as Jones & Co. go to battle with the psychic warriors of the KGB while trying to take the psychic crystal skull back to the Lost City of Gold. (There are sooo many things about that sentence I wish were a joke.) Without giving too much away, I'll just say that the Big Climactic Scene is utterly disappointing. And the ending...well, the ending convinced me that Indiana Jones is well and truly dead.

At the end of the day, though, none of that is why I disliked the movie. I expect bad acting and implausible plots from Indiana Jones movies. Hell, that's why the last three were so much fun!

But the last three were fun, and that's what Kingdom was missing. It just wasn't any fun. Even the jokes were lame, and they were little more than references to the other movies (even to the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, believe it or not).

The real disappointment for me is that this is a horrible way for the franchise to end. They could have simply ended on a high note and left off with Last Crusade. But no, they had to try and squeeze one more out, apparently for no other reason than just to make one more movie.

Here's hoping the rest of the summer movies aren't so disappointing. I leave you with one last Indiana Jones haiku:

That movie sucked hard
It was beyond insipid
Lucas should retire.